I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
