The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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