Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
