Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize