if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
