So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
