Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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