He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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