two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize