I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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