Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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