It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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