As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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