Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
