Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize