ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
