Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
