Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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