While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
