He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
As shirtless as possible
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
