Screwed.edu
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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