wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
