You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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