you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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