whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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