so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
