I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
