if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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