College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
