go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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