I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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