I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
