it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
