I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
