maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
