Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
