Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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