first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it hurts more in the daytime
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
