Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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