Plan B is the new Plan A
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
