she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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