I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We need a shit load of segways right now
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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