everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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