I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
