my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
