I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
