he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
