is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
