apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
