I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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