Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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