She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
