didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I supernannyed him into submission
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
