Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize