The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
