Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
